Blackie (Abbott) and Heathcliff (Costello), having been unsuccessful at entering through the gates of the Army Air Corps Cal-Aero flight training academy, enter the U.S.O. club and approach the lunch counter with only one quarter between the two of them and take their seats. Gloria (Martha Raye, playing the parts of twin sisters Gloria and Barbara) waits on them from behind the counter.
Blackie (Abbott) : I beg your pardon. Can you tell me where the administration building is?
Gloria (Martha Raye) : Over there inside the gate.
Blackie (Abbott) : Yes? So how do you get in there to get a pass?
Gloria (Martha Raye) : Well you can’t get inside the gate without a pass, to get a pass to get inside the gate.
Heathcliff (Costello) : Very interesting and tricky. Come on.
Blackie (Abbott) : Yeah. (Blackie and Heathcliff begin to leave.)
Gloria (Martha Raye) : Won’t you boys have something to eat?
(The boys turn back and take their seats.)
Heathcliff (Costello) : Yes ma’am. I would like a …
(Blackie gabs Heathcliff by the lapel and speaks to him in an aside.)
Blackie (Abbott) : Please. Please. What do you mean, yes ma’am. We’ve only got a quarter, you know that. Do you understand? What’s wrong with you? What’s happened to you?
Heathcliff (Costello) : Well a quarter… We can get something to eat.
Blackie (Abbott) : Alright well I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’ll order a turkey sandwich and a cup of coffee. See. And I’ll give you half. But if she asks you if you want anything you just say, no I don’t care for anything.
Heathcliff (Costello) : Even if she ask me if I care for anything? I say I don’t want nothing.
Blackie (Abbott) : That’s right.
Heathcliff (Costello) : You mean we’re going to put something over on her.
Blackie (Abbott) : No. No. No. We’re not putting anything over.
Heathcliff (Costello) : We’re going to sucker her.
Blackie (Abbott) : That’s all we have is a quarter.
Heathcliff (Costello) : She’ll think we’re a couple of big shots.
Blackie (Abbott) : That’s a boy.
Heathcliff (Costello) : I don’t care for nothing.
Blackie (Abbott) : That’s right.
(The boys turn back and face the counter.)
Blackie (Abbott) : Give me a turkey sandwich and a cup of coffee please.
Gloria (Martha Raye) : And what will you have?
Heathcliff (Costello) : I don’t care for nothing.
Blackie (Abbott) : Oh, go ahead. Have something.
Heathcliff (Costello) : Give me a turkey sandwich.
(Blackie spins around, pulling both himself and Heathcliff off their stools and they speak in another aside.)
Blackie (Abbott) : What did I just get through telling you?
Heathcliff (Costello) : I refused once. Didn’t I? That’s enough?
Blackie (Abbott) : I know. But we only got a quarter.
Heathcliff (Costello) : I mean but the waitress says to have something. I say I don’t care for nothing. Then you say, go ahead have…
Blackie (Abbott) : Never mind that. You can’t order! Never mind what I say.
Heathcliff (Costello) : No matter how much you coax me?
Blackie (Abbott) : No matter how much I coax you. You just say, I don’t want anything.
Heathcliff (Costello) : I’ll say I’m filled up that’s all.
Blackie (Abbott) : That’s all. We only got a quarter.
(Heathcliff pulls Blackie closer as if revealing the truth to him.)
Heathcliff (Costello) : I ain’t. But I’ll say, I will…
Blackie (Abbott) : Well say that.
Heathcliff (Costello) : OK.
Blackie (Abbott) : And I ‘ll give you half my sandwich.
Heathcliff (Costello) : OK. I don’t care for nothing.
(The boys return to their seats at the counter.)
Blackie (Abbott) : That turkey sandwich and a cup of coffee please.
Gloria (Martha Raye) : And what will you have?
Heathcliff (Costello) : I don’t care for nothing.
Blackie (Abbott) : Oh go ahead, have something. Go on, have something. Come on, your in here to eat. Right?
Heathcliff (Costello) : Yeah.
Blackie (Abbott) : Go ahead order something.
Heathcliff (Costello) : Give me some ham and eggs.
(Blackie grabs Heathcliff by the lapels again and whisks them both off the stools for another aside.)
Blackie (Abbott) : What did I just get through telling you?
Heathcliff (Costello) : What do keep coaxing me for?
Blackie (Abbott) : Just a minute. We’ve only got a quarter!
Heathcliff (Costello) : I know! But don’t keep saying, go ahead take something. I say I don’t care for nothing. You say go ahead take…
Blackie (Abbott) : Never mind… Never mind what I say. Just don’t order anything! How were you going to pay for it?
Heathcliff (Costello) : I’m filled up. I don’t know from nothing. That’s all.
Blackie (Abbott) : That’s different. No matter how much I coax you, you don’t what anything.
Heathcliff (Costello) : I’m deaf. I don’t say another word.
Blackie (Abbott) : Now keep quiet. You want a sandwich. You can’t pay for two turkey sandwiches. Now come on.
(The boys start to retake their seats at the counter.)
Heathcliff (Costello) : I don’t want nothing.
Blackie (Abbott) : You don’t want anything.
(They turn towards the counter and speak to Gloria.)
Blackie (Abbott) : That turkey sandwich and a cup of coffee please.
Gloria (Martha Raye) : And you?
Heathcliff (Costello) : I don’t care for nothing.
Blackie (Abbott) : Oh, sure you do.
Heathcliff (Costello) : Stop asking me. I don’t care for nothing. That’s all. I’m not in the mood to eat.
Blackie (Abbott) : You told me you were hungry?
Heathcliff (Costello) : I know. I told you a lot of things. But I ain’t going to eat.
Blackie (Abbott) : Well are you hungry?
Heathcliff (Costello) : I beg your pardon miss but I’m not going to eat.
Blackie (Abbott) : You are hungry? Now look. You in a restaurant. What do people go to a restaurant for?
Heathcliff (Costello) : Not me. I’m just…
Blackie (Abbott) : What do people got to a restaurant for?
Heathcliff (Costello) : Sometimes I wonder.
Blackie (Abbott) : They go there to eat.
Heathcliff (Costello) : Yeah.
Blackie (Abbott) : Well that’s what you’re here for.
Heathcliff (Costello) : That’s a wonderful word, eat.
Blackie (Abbott) : Well alright. Order something.
Heathcliff (Costello) : I’m not hungry.
Blackie (Abbott) : Now listen. You want people to think I’m a cheap skate around here? Go on, order something! Order something small.
Heathcliff (Costello) : Give me a small steak.
(Blackie slaps Heathcliff in the face, grabs him by the lapels, and off the stools they go again for another aside.)
Blackie (Abbott) : What did I just… What did I just get through telling you?
Heathcliff (Costello) : What do you keep coaxing me for?
Blackie (Abbott) : Never mind that coaxing! No matter how much I coax you, you don’t want anything! Now sit down there and behave yourself.
(The boys sit down again and speak to Gloria.)
Blackie (Abbott) : Turkey sandwich and a cup of coffee.
Gloria (Martha Raye) : Turkey sandwich and a cup of coffee? Yes?
(Heathcliff has both hands over his mouth. And with a questioning glance, Gloria looks his way.)
Blackie (Abbott) : He don’t care for anything.
(As Gloria turns toward the kitchen and exits, Blackie reaches over and slaps his hand over Heathcliff’s mouth as well.)
Blackie (Abbott) : Quiet.
(Heathcliff turns to get off his stool.)
Blackie (Abbott) : Where are you going?
Heathcliff (Costello) : I’m going to get out of here. I mean I’m going to get nothing to eat.
(Blackie pulls Heathcliff back to his stool.)
Blackie (Abbott) : I told you I ‘d give you half. Don’t worry about it.
(Barbara, Gloria’s twin, enters from the kitchen carrying a coffee pot and humming an upbeat tune. She sits the coffee down and approaches the boys at the counter.)
Barbara (Martha Raye) : Oh, hi ya fellows. What’ll you have?
Heathcliff (Costello) : Here we go again.
Blackie (Abbott) : Do I have to write it down for you?
Barbara (Martha Raye) : Oh, smart guy.
(Barbara suddenly notices Heathcliff.)
Barbara (Martha Raye) : Hey, you’re kind of cute.
Blackie (Abbott) : Never mind that. Where’s my turkey sandwich and cup of coffee?
Barbara (Martha Raye) : Turkey sandwich and cup of coffee. OK.
(Barbara immediately makes a couple clicking sounds as if to start a horse, and places a piece of cake on plate and slides it towards Heathcliff.)
Barbara (Martha Raye) : That’s for you.
(Barbara exits to the kitchen.)
Heathcliff (Costello) : Hey Blackie. She gave me the cake for nothing. That don’t mean we’re engaged, does it?
Blackie (Abbott) : Oh certainly not.
Heathcliff (Costello) : I’m too young to fall in love.
(Gloria re-enters from the kitchen with the turkey sandwich and a gives it to Blackie.)
Gloria (Martha Raye) : Here’s your turkey sandwich.
Blackie (Abbott) : Thanks.
Gloria (Martha Raye) : I… I’m sorry I took so long.
Blackie (Abbott) : Oh, that’s alright.
Gloria (Martha Raye) : I hope you enjoy it.
Blackie (Abbott) : I will.
(Gloria notices that Heathcliff is about to bite into the piece of cake.)
Gloria (Martha Raye) : Ah, that will cost you ten cents, please.
Heathcliff (Costello) : You just give it to me for nothing.
(Gloria pulls the plate out of his hands.)
Gloria (Martha Raye) : I’m sorry there must be some mistake.
Heathcliff (Costello) : Indian giver.
(Gloria turns her attention back towards Blackie.)
Gloria (Martha Raye) : Do you like cranberries?
Blackie (Abbott) : Oh, sure.
Gloria (Martha Raye) : I do too. I’ll get you some.
Blackie (Abbott) : Alright.
(Gloria turns and exits back to the kitchen.)
Heathcliff (Costello) : I thought she liked me.
Blackie (Abbott) : What do you mean. Be quiet.
(Barbara re-enters from the kitchen.)
Barbara (Martha Raye) : We ain’t got no more turkey.
(Blackie looks down, puzzled at the turkey sandwich right in front of him. While Barbara notices that Heathcliff hasn’t touched the cake.)
Barbara (Martha Raye) : What’s a matter with the cake? Why aren’t you eating the cake?
Heathcliff (Costello) : I lost my appetite.
Barbara (Martha Raye) : Well is there anything else I can do for you?
Heathcliff (Costello) : Yes there is. Is there anyway you can sneak us through the gate?
Barbara (Martha Raye) : Well its a… Well, its against the rules… But the guy is a friend of mine. I guess I can kind of fix it for you.
(Heathcliff turns to Blackie.)
Heathcliff (Costello) : Now she likes me again.
Blackie (Abbott) : Hey, what is this?
Barbara (Martha Raye) : Wait. I’ll go get my hat.
(Barbara starts to exit then turns back and pushes the cake back towards Heathcliff making those 2 clicking sounds again as if to start a horse.)
Barbara (Martha Raye) : Go on, eat the cake. Its on me.
(Barbara turns and exits.)
Heathcliff (Costello) : What is she? Chewing tobacco?
Blackie (Abbott) : No. She only went like…
(Blackie now makes similar clicking sounds with his mouth full of turkey sandwich.)
Blackie (Abbott) : Like that.
Heathcliff (Costello) : Oh, rides a horse.
Blackie (Abbott) : What? Go ahead, eat the cake.
(They both begin to eat as Gloria re-enters with a small bowl of cranberries.)
Gloria (Martha Raye) : Here’s your cranberries.
Blackie (Abbott) : Thanks a lot.
Heathcliff (Costello) : … that’s good.
(Gloria notices Heathcliff is starting to eat the cake.)
Gloria (Martha Raye) : I said, that will be ten cents please.
Heathcliff (Costello) : You just give me the cake for nothing when you went out to get your hat.
Gloria (Martha Raye) : Hat? What hat?
Heathcliff (Costello) : When you said you was going to sneak us through the gate.
Gloria (Martha Raye) : I never told you I was going to sneak you through any gate.
(Blackie looks puzzled and Heathcliff slides the cake plate back towards Gloria in disgust.)
Heathcliff (Costello) : First you tell me I can have the cake for nothing. Then you tell me a can’t have the cake for nothing. Then you tell me there ain’t no turkey. Then there is turkey. Then you’re going to sneak us through the gate. Now you’re not going to sneak us through the gate.
(Heathcliff slaps out a cadence on the counter with his hand as he says the next line.)
Heathcliff (Costello) : Why – don’t – you – make – up – your – mind!
Gloria (Martha Raye) : How dare you yell at me!
(Gloria takes the cake, places it behind the counter and exits in a huff. Heathcliff turns to Blackie.)
Heathcliff (Costello) : I’m a brute, huh?
Blackie (Abbott) : Well …
Heathcliff (Costello) : You going to give me half?
Blackie (Abbott) : Oh, alright.
(Blackie offers the plate with the sandwich to Heathcliff as Barbara re-enters with her hat on.)
Barbara (Martha Raye) : Well come on fellows, got my hat. Let’s hit the road.
(Bud and Lou, now completely shocked by her apparent abrupt change in attitude once again, drop the plate. The sandwich goes flying, and they fall all over each other trying to beat a hasty retreat.)
Heathcliff (Costello) : Let’s get out of here. I don’t care…
(They hurry out, knocking over a soldier on the way.)