Who’s On First? The Script

Did you know?…

Abbott and Costello’s Who’s On First? routine has been translated into nearly thirty languages.  Believe it or not, some of these translations were done by Abbott and Costello themselves.

The set up has Costello playing a peanut vendor named Sebastion Dinwiddle who is considering becoming a baseball player, talking to Abbott who plays Dexter Broadhurt, the manager of the fictional St. Louis Wolves. Before Costello can get in the game, however, Abbott wants to make sure he knows the names of the ball players…

As promised, here is the script, as it was performed in their 1945 movie, The Naughty Nineties:

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Abbott: Well, Costello, I’m going to New York with you. You know, Bucky Harris, the Yanks’ manager gave me a job as coach for as long as you’re on the team.

Costello: Look, Abbott. If you’re the coach, you must know all the players.

Abbott: I certainly do.

Costello: Well, you know I’ve never met the guys. So you’ll have to tell me their names, and then I’ll know who’s playing on the team.

Abbott: Oh, I’ll tell you their names, but you know as strange as it may seem, they give these ballplayers nowadays very peculiar names.

Costello: You mean funny names?

Abbott: Strange names, pet names… like Dizzy Dean and…

Costello: His brother Daffy.

Abbott: Daffy Dean.

Costello: And their French cousin.

Abbott: French?

Costello: Goofe’.

Abbott: Goofe’ Dean. Oh, I see. Well, let’s see, we have on the bags, we have Who’s on first, What’s on second, I Don’t Know is on third…

Costello: That’s what I want to find out.

Abbott: I say Who’s on first, What’s on second, I Don’t Know’s on third.

Costello: Are you the manager?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: You gonna be the coach, too?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: Do you know the fellows’ names?

Abbott: Well, I should.

Costello: Well, then who’s on first?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: I mean the fellow’s name.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The guy on first.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The first baseman.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The guy playing first.

Abbott: Who is on first!

Costello: I’m asking YOU who’s on first.

Abbott: That’s the man’s name.

Costello: That’s whose name?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: Well, go ahead and tell me.

Abbott: That’s it.

Costello: That’s who?

Abbott: Yes.

{ PAUSE }

Costello: Look. You got a first baseman?

Abbott: Certainly.

Costello: Who’s playing first?

Abbott: That’s right.

Costello: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?

Abbott: Every dollar of it.

Costello: All I’m trying to find out is the fellow’s name on first base.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The guy that gets the money.

Abbott: That’s it.

Costello: Who gets the money on first base?

Abbott: He does. Every dollar. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

Costello: Whose wife?

Abbott: Yes.

{ PAUSE }

Abbott: What’s wrong with that?

Costello: Look, all I wanna know is when you sign up the first baseman, how does he sign his name to the contract?

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The guy.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: How does he sign his name?

Abbott: That’s how he signs it.

Costello: Who?

Abbott: Yes.

{ PAUSE }

Costello: All I’m trying to find out is what’s the guy’s name on first base.

Abbott: No. What is on second base.

Costello: I’m not asking you who’s on second.

Abbott: Who’s on first.

Costello: One base at a time!

Abbott: Well, don’t change the players around.

Costello: I’m not changing nobody!

Abbott: Take it easy, buddy.

Costello: I’m only asking you. Who’s the guy on first base?

Abbott: That’s right.

Costello: Okay.

Abbott: Alright.

{ PAUSE }

Costello: What’s the guy’s name on first base?

Abbott: No. What is on second.

Costello: I’m not asking you who’s on second.

Abbott: Who’s on first.

Costello: I don’t know.

Abbott: Oh, he’s on third. We’re not talking about him.

Costello: Now, how did I get on third base?

Abbott: Why you mentioned his name.

Costello: If I mentioned the third baseman’s name, who did I say is playing third?

Abbott: No. Who’s playing first.

Costello: What’s on first?

Abbott: What’s on second.

Costello: I don’t know.

Abbott: He’s on third.

Costello: There I go, back on third again!

{ PAUSE }

Costello: Look. Would you just stay on third base and don’t go off it.

Abbott: Alright, now what do you want to know?

Costello: Now who’s playing third base?

Abbott: Why do you insist on putting Who on third base?

Costello: What am I putting on third?

Abbott: No. What is on second.

Costello: You don’t want who on second?

Abbott: Who is on first.

Costello: I don’t know.

Together: Third base!

{ PAUSE }

Costello: Look. You got a outfield?

Abbott: Sure.

Costello: The left fielder’s name?

Abbott: Why.

Costello: I just thought I’d ask you.

Abbott: Well, I just thought I’d tell you.

Costello: Then tell me who’s playing left field.

Abbott: Who is playing first.

Costello: I’m not… Stay out of the infield! I want to know what’s the guy’s name in left field?

Abbott: No. What is on second.

Costello: I’m not asking you who’s on second.

Abbott: Who’s on first!

Costello: I don’t know.

Together: Third base!

{ PAUSE }

Costello: And the left fielder’s name?

Abbott: Why.

Costello: Because!

Abbott: Oh, he’s center field.

Costello: (fumbles words)

{ PAUSE }

Costello: Look, look, look. You got a pitcher on the team?

Abbott: Sure.

Costello: The pitcher’s name?

Abbott: Tomorrow.

Costello: You don’t want to tell me today?

Abbott: I’m telling you then.

Costello: Then go ahead.

Abbott: Tomorrow!

Costello: What time?

Abbott: What time what?

Costello: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who’s pitching?

Abbott: Now listen. Who is not pitching. Who is…

Costello: I’ll break your arm you say who’s on first!!! I want to know, what’s the pitcher’s name?

Abbott: What’s on second.

Costello: I don’t know.

Together: Third base!

{ PAUSE }

Costello: Got a catcher?

Abbott: Certainly.

Costello: The catcher’s name?

Abbott: Today.

Costello: Today. And tomorrow’s pitching.

Abbott: Now you’ve got it.

Costello: All we got is a couple of days on the team.

{ PAUSE }

Costello: You know I’m a catcher, too.

Abbott: So they tell me.

Costello: I get behind the plate to do some fancy catching, Tomorrow’s pitching on my team, and a heavy hitter gets up.

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: Now the heavy hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me being a good catcher, I’m gonna throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who?

Abbott: Now that’s the first thing you’ve said right.

Costello: I don’t even know what I’m talking about!!!

{ PAUSE }

Abbott: That’s all you have to do.

Costello: Is to throw the ball to first base.

Abbott: Yes!

Costello: Now who’s got it?

Abbott: Naturally.

{ PAUSE }

Costello: Look. If I throw the ball to first base, somebody’s gotta get it. Now who has it?

Abbott: Naturally.

Costello: Who?

Abbott: Naturally.

Costello: Naturally?

Abbott: Naturally.

Costello: So I pick up the ball, and I throw it to Naturally.

Abbott: No you don’t! You throw the ball to Who.

Costello: Naturally.

Abbott: That’s different.

Costello: That’s what I said.

Abbott: You’re not saying that.

Costello: I throw the ball to Naturally.

Abbott: You throw it to Who.

Costello: Naturally.

Abbott: That’s it.

Costello: That’s what I said!

Abbott: Listen. You ask me.

Costello: I throw the ball to who?

Abbott: Naturally.

Costello: Now you ask me.

Abbott: You throw the ball to Who?

Costello: Naturally.

Abbott: That’s it.

Costello: Same as you! Same as YOU!!! I throw the ball to who. Whoever it is drops the ball, and the guy runs to second.

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: Who picks up the ball and throws it to What. What throws it to I Don’t Know. I Don’t Know throws it back to Tomorrow. Triple play.

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: Another guy gets up and hits a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don’t know! He’s on third, and I don’t give a darn!

Abbott: What?

Costello: I said I don’t give a darn!

Abbott: Oh, that’s our shortstop.

Costello: (fumbles words)

 The End